Sardines and Rats Don't Mix
by Enigmatic Mirage
Summary: Challenge fic, issued by Lotus Aia. A game of Sardines goes awry, much to Sasuke's dismay. And who else should witness it but the loving Rookie Nine? Crackfic


Standard disclaimers apply. I do not own _Naruto_.

* * *

Warnings: Crack-fic (AKA it has no point). Language. Unbeta-ed. 

This was a challenge issued to me by Lotus Aia. Requirements: Create an awkward situation in a small space between any pair of characters in _Naruto_. The fic must include a chair that can't be sat upon, a comb, and chocolate.

* * *

Sardines. Possibly the worst game anyone had ever thought up before in the history of games (which included such honors like Musical Chairs, Pin the Hitai-ate on the Ninja, and Hot Shuriken). Sasuke couldn't think of anything worse than being holed up in a small, enclosed space while waiting for people to find you.

Unless, of course, one was holed up with Uzumaki Naruto.

(Of course, being holed up in a small, enclosed space with Akamichi Chouji wasn't exactly a wonderful idea, either, but at least the large teen would be too busy eating to actually talk.)

Even worse, Naruto couldn't stop moving. Every other second, his teammate would shift his weight or shuffle his feet, flex his muscles, whatever.

It drove Sasuke insane.

After the fiftieth time Naruto brushed his arm against him, Sasuke finally felt compelled to speak, irritation lacing every word. "Stop moving around, Dobe. Why the hell did you pick a place smaller than Pakkun's doghouse, anyway?"

Naruto rolled his eyes. "The whole point of playing Sardines is to fit a lot of people in a small place. What's the fun if you can't do that?" He leaned closer to Sasuke. "Anyway, you said you weren't going to play."

Sasuke shifted back slightly to preserve the space between them, folding his arms across his chest as if protecting himself. All he said was, "Hn."

"You realize that's not an actual response, right?"

"Hn."

Huffing with indignation, Naruto crossed his arms in a parody of the other and tried another question. "So how come you found me so fast? I didn't think anyone would think to look here."

'Here', of course, was the cellar of Naruto's apartment building. The doors were of thick metal and slanted with steps leading underground. Having glanced around briefly, Sasuke could tell it was small and obviously built quite a few years ago, perhaps to protect people against the elements or enemy attacks. Over the years, it had accumulated odds and ends, reducing the already restricted space even smaller. In the end, the cellar was crammed full of junk and broken objects, including an old grandfather clock which chimed erratically (and sometimes not at all), rusted tools, ruined toys, and an ugly, lime green couch that had lost its cushions years ago and now boasted the coils bursting through the remaining fabric.

Thanks to all the piles in the cellar, the two nins barely had standing room. Sitting was out of the question (no doubt the grimy ground was infested with germs, anyway). Hell, Sasuke could hardly breathe without feeling Naruto exhaling and warming his neck.

Speaking of the dobe, Sasuke was sure he asked a question. Recalling what it was, he decided he might as well humor the other teen; it looked like they would be alone for a while. "I followed your chakra signature."

Naruto frowned. "But I masked it."

The dark-haired shinobi scoffed at that. "I'd be able to find you no matter how hard you try to hide yourself."

Instead of the expected outburst, Naruto pulled back, looking unusually thoughtful at his words. "Hmm."

'Hmm?' Was that all he was going to say? Sasuke had the sudden urge to activate his Sharingan and make sure that the other teen was really Naruto and not some sort of henge. That wasn't the normal response at all.

"So, anyway, I figure that it's going to take everyone else a while to find us. We might as well get comfortable. Chocolate?" And then suddenly Naruto was just Naruto again. He was holding out a candy bar and grinning that same foxy smile, acting as if nothing had happened.

Sasuke looked carefully at the other teen, wondering at the sudden change in behavior. As highly improbable as it was, perhaps Naruto was finally maturing into a more thoughtful and less impulsive being. "Hn. You know I don't like sweets, Dobe."

Naruto grinned cheekily. "I know. That's why I don't mind asking you, you'll never take any." And with that, he took a huge bite out of the candy bar.

Or perhaps not. Suppressing the un-Uchiha urge to roll his eyes, Sasuke looked around the cellar again. A single light bulb hung near the door, swinging down by a cord. Although dim, it was enough to illuminate the room into revealing all the junk people had thrown in here over the years. Several boxes had been stacked haphazardly in the corner, no doubt filled with more useless items. On top of one, he could see some sort of body-less doll head staring at him with a half-crazy smile painted on its smudged face. Lying next to the couch with half its teeth missing was a broken, spiky comb that looked vaguely like what Kakashi-sensei would use for his hair. There was even a huge stuffed bear with padding spilling out from several worn spots. Sasuke sincerely hoped that the toy hadn't chewed open by rats. He shivered; he hated rats with a passion.

Sasuke sighed and shifted his legs to keep the blood circulation going. His knee brushed Naruto's as he moved. Although he had lain still in trees longer than this for missions, the fact that this was a game and he was playing it didn't make the waiting any better. Naruto was right; it would be quite a while before anyone would think to look for them here. All of Konoha was fair game in Sardines, given that they were trained shinobi who could use jutsus to aid them in searching for the original hider.

How in the world had he been roped into playing? Sasuke recalled that when he had first learned the Rookie Nine were going to play a game, he called the entire idea stupid. And when some genius (probably Shikamaru) suggested Sardines, he asserted that he would rather lick Orochimaru than play.

And then Kakashi came into the picture. He threatened him with more banal missions if Sasuke didn't participate in what the jounin called, "A game disguised as a lesson in training."

Whatever.

So here he was, stuck with the dobe until the others were able to find them.

Well, there were worse things than being holed up in a stinky, cramped cellar with Naruto. Sasuke just couldn't think of any at the moment.

"Hey, Teme, you never told me why you decided to play. I thought I heard you say you'd rather make out with Orochimaru than join us."

Grimacing at the gross mental picture _that_ made, Sasuke scowled at Naruto. "I was forced to so don't think I joined in because I thought this was fun." It was the complete opposite, in fact.

Snorting in laughter, Naruto poked him in the chest. "I didn't think anyone could make the great Uchiha Sasuke do something he didn't want to do. Did Kakashi-sensei bribe you or something? Or maybe Tsunade-baa-chan ordered you?"

"Both," Sasuke muttered. The Hokage had indeed made sure he was playing, most likely because she enjoyed torturing him.

"Hehe. I knew they would."

Startled by his words, Sasuke glanced at Naruto. "Why is that?"

Naruto shrugged. "I overheard Baa-chan saying something about you and the game. I figured she was avoiding work by torturing someone." He grinned evilly at him. "Lucky for you, huh?"

Sasuke narrowed his eyes. He didn't appreciate anyone speaking about him, even if it was his teacher or Tsunade. In fact, this whole situation was ridiculous. He had had enough; training or no training, Hokage or no Hokage, he was getting out of here.

Abruptly turning on his heels, Sasuke stepped forward.

"Eh? Where you going, Sasuke?"

"Out of here," he said shortly. "This entire idea is completely ridiculous and I refuse to take part in this simply because our sensei is too lazy to train us properly."

"But if you leave, people will know where I am!" Naruto protested.

"So? Find another hiding place. That's your problem, not mine." Sasuke put one foot on the steps when something ran over his shoe. Something that squeaked. And had four paws, one tail, and two beady little eyes that looked as though it was calculating gnawing his eye out for food.

He only saw it for a second, but Sasuke was sure that it was the biggest rat he had ever seen in his entire life. Even bigger than the ones that had come out to feast on the dead bodies of his clansmen when he was but eight years old.

Being the trained shinobi that he was, Sasuke didn't shriek. But he did emit a strangled yelp that caught in his throat and refused to dislodge. His heart was pounding so heavily he was afraid it would give out any moment. Adrenaline, fear, and disgust all warred within him as he looked this way and that for any sign of the rodent.

Naruto, as oblivious as he was, had still been complaining to Sasuke about ruining the game when the fair-haired nin heard another squeak as something streaked past him. He blinked in surprise as his stoic teammate let out another girly scream and stumbled back from the stairs. Because of the lack of space, Sasuke, of course, bumped into Naruto. Naruto was caught so off-guard that he couldn't keep his balance.

The two shinobi fell down hard like a stack of dominos.

"What the … Teme, what do you think you're doing?"

Sasuke didn't answer, almost whimpering as he tried to scramble up on top of Naruto to get away from the ground. The ground meant the rats could get to him. The ground was dangerous.

Naruto tried to pry off the clingy Uchiha but couldn't dislodge him, much less breathe with Sasuke nearly on top of him. He was jerked around and had to fight to keep his balance from his sitting position – falling completely on the ground probably wasn't very sanitary. "Sasuke! Get off me!"

* * *

"Naruto? Sasuke? Are you in here?"

Shikamaru sighed as Kiba and Chouji pulled open the heavy cellar doors back, revealing a dim lightbulb and three stairs leading down into the earth. Ino, in her impatience, shoved by her larger teammate and clattered down the stairs. Then she let out a bloodcurdling scream.

All three men rushed (well, okay, Shikamaru actually just sauntered) down into the cellar but they couldn't get very far. For one, there was enough junk in the cellar to cover half of Fire Country. For another, Naruto was on the ground, taking up much of the remaining space. In his arms was a shivering and pale Uchiha Sasuke who occasionally twitched every time there was so much as a high-pitched noise.

Kiba's eyes bugged out in shock at the sight. Chouji stood behind Ino just in case she decided to faint and fall backwards. He was munching on some bar-b-que chips so he didn't say much. Shikamaru just sighed again wearily. "Troublesome," he muttered.

"N-Naruto! What are you doing with Uchiha in your arms?" Kiba hollered loud enough for the entire village to hear.

"Be quiet!" Naruto hissed. "It's Sasuke. He's … weird." Wincing as his teammate clutched his clothes even tighter and burrow even closer, the fair-haired shinobi glanced around.

"Is he claustrophobic?" Shikamaru asked.

Naruto scrunched his face up in confusion. "What?"

"Is he afraid of small spaces?" Chouji supplied helpfully between crunches.

"Oh. Nope. He has rat-o-phobia."

At the mention of the rodents, Sasuke twitched. "Rats," he muttered.

Naruto rolled his eyes but patted him on the back gently. "Don't worry, Sasuke. There aren't any rats right now. I'll protect you."

Ino fainted at his words; luckily, her teammate caught her as she fell backwards. Kiba's eyes were now bigger than Chouji's stomach. "What?" the dog trainer barked.

"Just shut up. It's the only way he'll calm down," Naruto said wearily. "Every time I try to move all he does is hold on tighter. Can you guys help me up? My butt is getting numb!"

"And probably now infected with some horrible disease," Chouji said far too cheerily.

Kiba recovered from his shock enough to extend a hand to Naruto. He gratefully took it and used his legs to push up from the ground, one arm wrapped around Sasuke's waist. At the same time, Kiba pulled back until his friend managed to stagger to his feet.

Shikamaru sighed and shook his head. "Che. Only you, Naruto." Turning, he headed back up the stairs, followed by Chouji who carried the unconscious kunoichi in his arms. Kiba turned to follow them but paused in mid-turn, flashing a wicked grin at Naruto. "You don't need any help, right, Naruto? Cause you look mighty comfortable with Uchiha in your arms."

Naruto glared at the other shinobi. "Shut up. You'd do the same for your teammate," he grumbled.

Once out in the bright sunshine, Chouji and Naruto carefully laid their burdens on the ground, far from the cellar's entrance. Chouji shook Ino gently to wake her up. Naruto, on the other hand, was not so gentle. He smacked Sasuke on the shoulder to get his attention. "Oi, Sasuke, snap out of your trance. It's rat-free now."

For a moment, the dark-haired teen didn't stir, still curled up in a tight ball. But sense gradually returned and Sasuke slowly sat up to look around. He realized four pairs of eyes were watching him (Ino hadn't woken up yet and Chouji finally gave up, more interested in his snacks, anyway). "Wh-what happened?" he asked.

Naruto sat back and grinned evilly at his teammate. "You freaked out over a rat." Then he burst into hysterical laughter.

Sasuke turned to glower at Kiba who was grinning like an idiot. Shikamaru wasn't even looking at him anymore and stared up into the azure sky instead. Chouji poked around his bag of potato chips.

Irritated by his teammate's continual laughter, Sasuke turned his attention on Naruto who had fallen on his back and was rolling around like an idiot. Powering up his most devastating glare, Sasuke suddenly leapt upon Naruto, pinning his arms and legs to the ground with his body. He leaned down until their faces were inches apart.

All laughter from Naruto died as he stared into the furious eyes of one Uchiha Sasuke. He wasn't exactly afraid of the other shinobi but the strength of the killing aura emanating from his teammate was enough to even give him a pause.

"Don't. You. Dare. Tell. _Anyone_. About this. Or I'll skin you alive and use you as a doormat to my house. Understand?"

Naruto blinked twice at the threat and was shocked to realize he found himself nodding. It was more out of sheer astonishment at his words than actual fear of Sasuke would do such a thing. For once in his life, he was speechless.

Satisfied with the response (and doubly more so because he accomplished the unthinkable: rendering Uzumaki Naruto mute), Sasuke slowly climbed off of him and looked at the remaining teens who were now completely focused on him. "That goes for all of you. If I hear even the slightest whisper, you will all die painfully." Shoving his hands in his shorts, the dark-haired teen turned and stalked away.

It was only when he was out of sight that anyone stirred. Kiba finally exhaled and exclaimed, "Whew! I thought that arrogant bastard was about to spontaneously combust from rage! Figures an Uchiha wouldn't want anyone to know his secret weakness." He then snickered, no doubt plotting a prank to exploit that knowledge.

Naruto got up and dusted himself off carefully, still stunned at his teammates vehemence. "Shikamaru?"

The lazy nin shifted his gaze to the fair-haired shinobi. "Hmm?"

"Can I just say that Sardines was possibly the worst idea you've ever had? Next time you suggest playing it, I think I'll pass!"

* * *

_AN: For you poor, deprived souls who never played this game in their childhood, Sardines can be considered the opposite of Hide-and-Seek. To play, one person hides and everyone looks for It. Once found, the finder hides with It and the game continues until there is one last person remaining. The smaller the space, the more interesting it becomes to fit everyone in. _

_Thanks to Aia for helping me through my writer's block with this amusing challenge. And fyi, she didn't read the fic over before it was posted. Any mistakes or omissions are entirely my fault._


End file.
